Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship

As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.