Saying Sorry Too Much: Ways to Stop the Cycle

Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.