The Words given by My Father Which Helped Me as a New Dad

"I believe I was just in survival mode for the first year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the demands of being a father.

But the truth quickly turned out to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Severe health problems surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was pushed into becoming her chief support while also caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I handled every night time, every nappy change… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan shared.

Following nearly a year he reached burnout. It was a chat with his parent, on a public seat, that led him to understand he required support.

The direct statement "You're not in a good place. You must get assistance. What can I do to help you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His situation is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. While society is now better used to addressing the pressure on moms and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan thinks his difficulties are part of a wider inability to talk amongst men, who still absorb negative ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It isn't a display of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to admit they're struggling.

They can think they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - especially in preference to a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental well-being is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the opportunity to ask for a pause - going on a couple of days overseas, separate from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He understood he required a change to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings as well as the logistical chores of caring for a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she longed for" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotion and interpret his parenting choices.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen lacked stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings caused him to make "bad choices" when younger to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as a way out from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that aren't helpful," he says. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel under pressure, confide in a family member, your other half or a therapist about your state of mind. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the activities that made you feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. Examples include going for a run, seeing friends or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical health - a good diet, physical activity and if you can, resting, all contribute in how your emotional health is faring.
• Meet other first-time fathers - sharing their stories, the challenges, as well as the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help does not mean you've failed - taking care of yourself is the most effective way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead provide the security and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the feelings constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they confronted their issues, changed how they express themselves, and figured out how to manage themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I said, on occasion I believe my job is to instruct and tell you on life, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am understanding an equal amount as you are on this path."